


I found a martyr

by bladeCleaner



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: F/M, Pining, SPOILERS FOR SEASON 3 FINALE, Song Lyrics, Spoilers for all 3 seasons, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:03:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5161337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bladeCleaner/pseuds/bladeCleaner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS FOR SEASON 3 ALL THE WAY UP TO FINALE. </p><p>He's a sinner. He's always been a sinner and a masochist. This is God not even bothering to play a joke on him, but going full-force into playing him and his life like a farce. He keeps saving her, and God is laughing because Simon Lauchlan may live forever but forever won't change the fact that she's beyond his reach. So he'll have to live with that.</p><p>She's a hero, and heroes don't care about traitors. But she and him are on a crash-course trajectory, and she can't bring herself to hate him or even dislike him all that much anymore. She tries. But it's hard, and he's always there, him and that bloody grin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I found a martyr

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics are from Coming Down by Halsey, which is fyi the best song for Three/Five ever.  
> Also, I can't be the only one who notices what Simon says to Five in Mission 47. When Simon speaks in those hallucinations, usually what he says is what he's saying in real life, so I find it curious that they put that line in Simon's voice.  
> Also, in this one, Five is with Simon when he connects up to the wetware. IDGAF about plot holes.  
> Also, yes, do read the bold in that creepy female Siri voice. (lol.)

_I've got a lover_

_A love like religion_

\--

Maxine's staring down at Simon, his biceps streaked with lizard scales and his face discolored in spots and patches. Five knows that expression. It's the same one she saw on her face in a window after Bernard said they'd had Moonchild. But they _need_ Simon, and she remembers how he'd tried to comfort her and saved her life, regardless of everything. So she yanks him up by the arm, and breathless. He says, “Thank you, Runner 5,” and she leans in and he _fl_ _inches_. But she ignores that. She murmurs into his ear, “ _Now_ we're even.”

\--

He shakes off the feeling of her, so close to him. God was laughing up there somewhere, he just knew it.

**NOW ENTERING FLASHBACK MODE.**

They'd been on the boat, bobbing away, when Amelia had finally said, snickering. “Are you joking? I can't shoot one of my friends?”

“Would you stuff it?” he had said, annoyed.

“You know, Three, I read your file and examined your little extracurricular activities. As you'll soon learn, I love my intel. So I know all about you saving Five and giving her that Comansys file, and then appearing in the nick of time just to save her again? Please, Mr. Lauchlan. You waving that gun around just so she would hate you doesn't fool me. Not one bit.”

“What are you implying?” he had said through gritted teeth.

“You're in love with Five.”

“Dunno what kind of drugs you're on, Spenz, but I'm…I was…”

“Oh, I'm perfectly aware that you were also enamored with my subordinate, Ms. de Luca. I'm also aware, as are you, that monogamy is not the sole way of life.”

“Piss off, Spenz.”

**NOW EXITING FLASHBACK MODE.**

–-

“-seen the way you look at-”

“-like you're a great bloody expert on-”

“-could have figured out you were a sodding traitor-”

Five, for a minute, puts her fingers on the bridge of her nose and pinches. Maxine, her and Simon have found shelter for the night, but the two of them have been bickering the. entire. day.

She can't leave the two of them alone for a second, even if all Maxine wants is a cup of water and Simon happens to be rummaging the pantry. This time, though, she's not standing outside the kitchen listening to them have a row. It's a _second_ row in the run-down shack they're sleeping in from across the makeshift kitchen. Tomorrow, they head out to the National History Museum.

She raises her hand to knock and interrupt, but then she hears Simon shout, “ _Alright!_ I am shit sure _keenly aware_ that I haven't got a bloomin' chance in hell, aight?! So would you kindly stop rubbin' it in my face? As fun as I'm sure that is?”

She's deathly curious now because for all Maxine's jabs, Simon usually brushes her off – except when they're on missions. It cuts a bit more then, she reckons, mostly because they're always so close to dying.

The door swings open and she stares up at Simon, who's quite a bit taller than her. His appearance doesn't jolt her anymore; it used to, when she first saw him after the – when he rescued her.

His arms are lined with lizard scales and his face is half discolorations: it looks a little like his old face, but with a smattering of white discolorations. He looks like a comic book character. Before everything, she'd thought he was good-looking; now he looks dangerous, and it doesn't help that he still has that wicked smile.

His face now is a perfect slip of shock until it clangs down into his default sardonic grin. “'Scuse me, Five,” he says jovially. “I know you like the Doctor's company, but I think I'm going to go look for some apples. Y'know. To keep her away and such. Bye now!”

He practically sprints away from her.

She turns to Maxine, who looks fuming, with a raised eyebrow – _what was all that about?_

Maxine returns her expression with a shrug that's trying so ostentatiously hard to be nonchalant the overall effect is hilarious.

“I was just telling Simon he...hasn't got a chance in hell if he thinks anyone's going to forgive him.”

Something must show in her face, because Maxine says, incredulously, “What, have _you_?”

She shakes her head. “No. But he's saved my life a couple times by now...and Jody's once. Granted, he also almost _killed_ me a few times as well, pointed a gun in my face twice, threatened to kill children, taunted Jody...I don't know. I haven't forgiven him. Not for Archie, not for Jasper and not for Van Ark. But Maxine...” she says, “he's helping us. It counts for something. I don't know.”

“It's in his own self-interest,” Maxine snaps. “His and Amelia Spenz's.”

“I know,” Five says heavily, “I know.”

She looks ahead.

_Oh, for the days at Mullins when all I had to worry about was doing two hundred push-ups._

–

Maxine, Five and Sam agree that they need to keep watch on Simon – he moans, but doesn't protest too much. His reasoning? “I'm not about to run off or start trouble when Amelia's not here to back me up – having two ladies keep their eyes on me isn't so bad, either!” and then he'd laughed, and Maxine had looked ready to murder. She'd just given up, however, and gone to bed in the next room while Five and Simon remained in the other one, her axe never too far out of reach.

It's nearly 2 a.m. He shifts in his roll and then stares straight at her, gaze suddenly intense and burning. She tears her gaze away, uncomfortable, and coughs.

After a while, she doesn't know how to deal with his loaded stare. She sighs and says, “Simon, why are you looking at me like that?”

It wavers, then he looks down. “Like what?”

She doesn't think she's ever seen him so abashed.

“Like I'm about to...I don't know, like you think...you're just staring. It's mildly creepy.”

“Only mildly?” He says, amused. He starts to sit up, propping himself up on his elbows and turning towards her.

“I say 'mildly' because we're caught in the middle of a war with a mind-control New Age bitch and all our allies have abandoned us. Your eyeballs aren't really up on the creepy scale.” She responds.

“Someone's all banter today,” he remarks. “Usually you're not so chatty, Five. What gives?”

She opens her mouth and then stops. Yeah. Usually she's really quiet. She doesn't know – something about the late hour loosens her tongue – and she's just _bored._ Having a staring contest with Simon isn't...it's engaging, but it's…weird.

“You still haven't answered my question.”

“I'll answer if you answer mine.”

“I asked first.”

“I asked second.”

“That's not how it works-” she says, almost smiling, then she stops.

“Ah, there it is. That look when you remember that I'm a filthy, disgusting traitor.” he remarks cheerfully, as if chatting about the weather. But his eyes are dark. “You can't be pallin' around with that, can you? Not the heroic Runner Five, who shits gold and rainbows as far as Abel's concerned. Even after...”

“Don't.” She says, holding up a warning hand. “Don't. I make allowances for you, Simon, but don't.”

The words still spill out of his mouth, though. “What? Don't mention how I had to save you from some lunatic and whatever nightmares you had? For fuck's sake, Five, I told you...never mind. Forget it...wait, what do you mean you make allowances?”

She's silent.

“Oh, that is just like you, Five.”

The tension stretches for several minutes until she says, “Were you really going to do it? Shoot Carena?”

He's startled enough to say, “No – I mean – shit, Five, don't _do_ that.”

“You weren't going to do it?”

“I couldn't even shoot _Ed_ properly, Five – what makes you think I could shoot a bloody child?” he starts to growl.

“Then what was the point?!” she hisses, all of the sudden _furious_.

“Oh, so not above it all now are you? Want to give me the spiel everyone else has? _You betrayed all of us Simon, you shit sodding traitor? I should put a bullet in your head_?”

She's suddenly thankful Maxine's sleeping in the next room, because her voice is beginning to rise.

“Cut the self-pity bullshit,” she hisses, and the fact that he's grinning is just making her more pissed off. “I just- fuck, Simon-”

“Wow, you even _swore._ Didn't know you cared, Five,” he says, eyes practically sparking.

She convulses up from her position, strides up to his bedroll and jerks down to grip his collar. Simon faintly registers she looks pissed as she whispers, “Simon.” then whatever else she wants to say is lost, as she opens her mouth and then closes it. She forcefully throws her hand aside and turns on her heel, but he's up in a second and grips her wrist on instinct. He's never been close to her before aside from slapping her from her nightmares. But she's here. She was close enough to grab, close enough to pull her against him.He could almost feel her black hair brushing against his cheek. _Shit_. He's screwed. He's screwed, he's screwed, he's screwed, but then he lands on something real, something to pull her back in.

She sighs, turns slightly and says, “Let _go_ of me, Simon.”

“No,” he says, certain, more certain about anything than he's been for a while. “I know what this is about. You want to forgive me.”

She blinks twice. Her face is unreadable, like it almost always is but he can tell, and he says, “You wanna know how I know?”

The sound of rustling leaves outside is the only sound for a moment. Then he speaks with conviction, more conviction than when his Nan forced him to pray out loud, more conviction than he's ever had -

“You're dangerous. You're so dangerous even rocket launchers, zombie hordes and mind control won't kill you. You're professional and cold a lot and I swear, a little crazy – you killed Esteban, Van Ark and anything that you need to in order of the mission. But you haven't killed _me._ You saved me, today – even though I'm not helping. Not really. It's not just because you owed me. It's because you _care._ Don't you? And you don't know how to figure that out. 'Cause I'm not the bad guy if I'm helping, right? But I'm no good guy, either.”

She doesn't respond, only stares at him, and he's honestly just weak because being in her visual crosshairs already makes him hard. And he thinks _fuck it. fuck it, fuck it, fuck it,_ because his death wish is going to come true sooner or later.

“I was staring earlier because I was thinking how much I wanted you,” he says, apropos of nothing, “does that answer your question?”

She wrenches out of his grip at that, aghast and says, “Is this _really_ the appropriate time to be hitting on me? _Seriously,_ Simon?” She's facing him completely now.

He doesn't know when it started. Fucking _Amy_ had to tell him to see it for what it was.

He hadn't been able to get the thought out of his head. The next time he saw her it was undeniable; he'd chased after her even though she'd been out of her mind. He couldn't stop even though it was, as Amy informed him, almost utterly pointless. He couldn't let her just – die. She'd hit him and cursed him and mumbled nonsense about _Sam fucking Yao_ , and he wouldn't, couldn't let her go. He's a stubborn fool.

Now she's here again, in front of him and even though Maxine had told him _no way in hell_ would she ever look at him that way, he can't help it. He has to try. Even if she slaps him or shoots him, he won't go to his Maker without at least _knowing._

“I'm being serious,” he says. Fuck, how did this happen? On the more carnal side of things (where he's more comfortable), all night he'd been tempted to jerk off while she was watching him. He doesn't know what it is with him and tough, bad-ass, emotionally closed off women. She isn't even physically his type. Five is – a small mixed woman (she once told him she was one-parent Chinese just like Sam), her golden-toned, almost dark skin littered with scars. Her mouth is a bit too wide and her nose is big and her hair is a wild black mess when she's not on the field. She looks nothing like Janine, who's tall and imposing and pale.

But she's beautiful. Following her these last few days, he can't deny it anymore – even if it's not love, it's something, and having her watch him...

When she doesn't respond, just stares at him like he's insane, he goes closer to her. She starts backing up against the wall. He stops, just...staring at her. Her utterly full lips. Her throat. But he doesn't want to be that guy, so he starts to speak.

“Five,” he says, his voice rougher than he'd like. “If you want me to stop, make me stop. Shout. Scream. Call me a hideous disfigured monster, a traitor, something – because if you don't, I don't know if I'll...”

“What are you doing?” She whispers. “I...” her voice gets stronger. “Are you just using me?”

He shakes his head. “Five, for God's sake, I- don't make me say it,” he begs.

Her eyes go wide for a moment and he swears he can see her brain work.

"You can't be serious," she breathes.

He runs a hand through his hair, irritated. "Yeah, well, I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be-" he stops himself again. "You're not that great." He says, weakly, and Five can see right through him. He's cellophane. "Shit. I can't say it."

“Then tell me something else,” she says.

Before he can stop himself, he says, “Anything.”

“You said something in my delusion before. I might have imagined it. You said...” she closes her eyes, trying to recall. “I'll always come for you, Runner Five. Run with me.”

He casts his eyes downward. _Aw, hell._ _She remembers that?_

“Did you...say anything like that when…?” she asks, opening her eyes again. It's a punch to his gut, when she does, because it's not filled with disgust, or distrust, or anything like that. It's just calm. She trusts him to tell the truth this time, after all the lies he's told.

_God forgive me._

“Yeah,” he breathes out. “Yeah. I said that. I mean, granted, I was slapping you after that to get you to wake up.”

To his astonishment, she _laughs_ , then seriously asks, “Did you mean it?”

“I'll always come for you,” he says, hearing himself saying it like a prayer. “I'll _always_ come for you.”

He doesn't know who moves first, only that they're kissing, her hot mouth and her _tongue_ and he backs her up against the wall, pressing his entire body against hers, her breasts pressing onto his chest. He slips a thigh between her legs and presses against her, dragging it against her, just to hear her breath hitch.

He doesn't think he'll last. This has to be a dream. His own set of fucked up hallucinations. The slide of her skin and her fingers scrabbling at his shirt, he's going to go insane, this is insane, he doesn't care.

“Five,” he manages to tear his mouth away from her, his leg still pressed up to her heat, “are you sure you want this? I-”

She looks at him, eyes blown with want, and he nearly moans. She looks unbelievable against this wall, hair all around her, her face flushed. She looks like everything he's ever wanted. “I want this,” she says, surprising herself. “But I don't want you to get the wrong idea-”

His gut twists, even though he knew it was coming, of course. “I'm just a good fuck, then,” he says a bit bitterly, still pressing his hips to hers. “I know the drill.”

“Simon, that's not what I _meant-”_

“You love Sam, I know. I'm just a distraction, a warm body, whatever,” he says, leaning back in. _I don't care._

She stops him. “You don't get to act indignant,” she growls, “You _don't._ This is more than just that, but I still don't-”

“Trust me? Still smart. You shouldn't. But I'm not going to use this as leverage, Five. I just want to fuck you,” he says, and her eyes close. He kisses her again, and it's as much a revelation as it was before, holy and sacrilege all at once. The hero with the traitor. Their savior with their Goddamned Judas.

“I thought you hated me,” she says, after breaking away.

He laughs, dark. “I almost do,” he tells her. “ _They_ adore you, they'd do anything for you. Of course I wanted to hate you. But you're you and I-” he swallows down the words. “I...” he changes tack as he slips his hand over her shirt, slowly, agonizingly. “Never mind. I thought _you_ hated _me_.”

“I almost do,” she replies, and his hand stops on her stomach. “I wanted to. But you kept on _saving_ me and helping us and...” she closes her eyes. _I'll always come for you._ No, she can't let this get too far. “...we could die at any moment. To be honest, before, I always wanted to kiss you. At least once.”

She opens his eyes when he doesn't respond, and she stares at him, his eyes burning into hers. Then he's kissing her again, harder, pressing up against her. She throws her arms around his neck.

“...driving me insane,” he mumbles.

“I thought about you for weeks, months-” he starts to whisper in her ear, clapping his hand over her mouth so that she doesn't wake Maxine, muffling her gasps and sighs. He starts to go off on a string of filthy devotions - “Want you. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Five, I couldn't stop thinking about you and your _mout_ _h_. I want you so much.”

“Simon,” she groans.

“Are you desperate for me? Do you want this?” He grinds into her some more, and she's seeing stars.

Flush up against the wall, Five nods.

Simon grins that wicked grin again ( _I found the Devil, I found him in a lover_ ) and she's lost.

–

They don't talk about it. The next morning is all business, all professional – okay, never mind, he stares at her the whole time and she gives him the slightest smile, just once, before going back to being the hero.

But he knows how it goes. It was a one-time thing. It didn't mean anything. It was just sex. ( _You're in love with Runner Five._ )

_Shut up, Amy._

–

_I've got a lover_

_And I'm unforgiven_

\--

So it's the end of the world again and he runs off without her and some part of her is _aching_ to join him, finally just kill Moonchild. She didn't hate Van Ark not even after pulling her behind a truck, but _Cynthia FUCKING Hill._ She wants to kill her personally.

She almost grasps at his arm as he runs off, saying, _you idiot, don't do this again-_

But he's gone.

And Janine's stilted pause ( _you know they had something_ ) on the transmission doesn't make her feel any better.

\--

“Simon, you'll die.”

She stares at him, wordless, as Simon Lauchlan goes and surprises her again –

She manages to glance at him as she runs off to get Moonchild. She doesn't know what to think, it's all curling up in her heart like a black plume of smoke and she wants to scream:

_Now who's playing hero?_

–-

_I found a savior_

_I don't think he remembers_

_'Cause he's off to pay his crimes_

_And he's got no time for mine_

\--

Janine says her last words to him, and she goes to him. She says into the headset, “Janine, I'm sorry.”

“Wait, what? Five-” and then she lowers her headset, Janine's voice cut off.

She looks at him putting on the wetware.

“What, are you jealous?” he teases. God. Even to the end. ( _I'm such a fool for sacrifice/I'm such a fool to pay this price_ )

She kisses him. It's desperate and hurried and he puts his arms around her, forces her to slow. They kiss like it's the end of the world, not the beginning.

She draws away from him, and says, “I forgive you,” and he shakes his head a little sadly, smiling. It doesn't feel right to end it that way so instead, she says, “I'll miss you.” That doesn't feel right either.

"I wish...we had more time," she says, struggling. "I want more time. I'm sorry. And thank you. And I..."

He wants her to say it. He wants her to say those three specific words but even if he lived through this it wouldn't happen, it would never happen, he knows that. He loves her, but she'll never love him. It's how the story goes. It's how his story ends. He cuts her off.

“I better not see you coming after me this time, Five.” he says, and then they start to count down, and she's tearing up as she goes back to Maxine. She doesn't take her eyes off him, not even for a second, even as he's _screaming_.

–

She can still taste him on her lips.

She closes her eyes.

_I'll always come for you._

“You were always a liar,” she whispers.

–

 _Every single night pray the sun'll rise_  
_Every single time make a compromise_  
_Every single night pray the sun'll rise, but_  
  
_It's coming down, down, coming down_  
_It's coming down, down, coming down_

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY, OKAY, I SHIP IT in the way that Simon is irrevocably, hopelessly in love with Five but is still an asshole because he also resents her for a million and one things and Five, despite their cool demeanor, cares a lot about Simon despite everything and catches on that he's in love with them at a really inappropriate time. C'mon, guys. He keeps SAVING Five, specifically Five, all the time, and what he says during missions 47-48...there's something there. 
> 
> I still ship Janine/Simon and Five/Sam like crazy, but man. These two. These two. The parallels.


End file.
